wilderness path

a significant inner journey

 

"I think there IS movement and growth in aimlessness.

 

Aimlessness PROMOTES movement, just as

 

'helplessness is the welcome mat for mercy'."

 

 

Desert Spirit

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Sunday, September 13, 2015 8:53 AM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: Day 1

 

What will You have me do this day, where will You have me go, what will You have me say, and to whom?

 

Your Will, not mine, be done through me.

 

I ask to hear my true thoughts this prayer would bring to me.

 

I do not know You, but I wish for Your Will be done in my life. Somehow I trust that it is what is best for me.

 

Will You be my Guide this day? Will You Direct what I do, where I go, what I say, and to whom I say it?

 

What is Your Will?

 

Will - wish; desire

 

In my days plans, how will I react if Your Will, Your Plan, interferes with mine? Will I stomp my feet, or will I be respectful of Your Will for me? I say I trust that Your Will is best for me, but when the moments come for me to give up my will, I will see the truth.

 

As of late I have been in rages when 'my plan' was not allowed. I have been like a spoiled child stomping my feet saying, screaming,  'give me, give me, give me!'  I have felt so powerless in my life to control everything, every moment.  I want to control everything and have all I wish and desire. Why do I feel so entitled to have such control?

 

But can I, today, wish for Your Wish? Can I, today, desire what You Desire in my life?

 

Will I allow Your Will? What will You allow?

 

 

Hi Brenda.

 

This is a good beginning, or continuation from where we left off after our long sabbatical.

It is interesting how what you write resonates with my thinking, and perhaps is how the world thinks. This idea that “God” grants all our wishes permeates all of man’s thinking. Yet it is based on the idea that what I need, or think I need externally has to be provided by a Higher Power. And so I never discover my motivation is based on this emptiness in me.

 

I wrote a lesson on the WILDERNESS PATH site a few lessons back regarding the idea of NEEDS and DESIRES. Basically as I understand and experience it, we are provided with all we need. Yet when the need becomes a desire, then we want. For example, our basic needs are for food, shelter, clothing and companionship, at this level. However, when this turns to desire, I want a STEAK, a MANSION ON A MOUNTAIN and THE BEST CLOTHING MONEY CAN BUY, and the “RIGHT” mate. This is not to say we cannot have these things, but only that we think Creator MUST provide them.

 

So it moves me to get back to the one day at a time principle. I am most content when I am asking FOR Direction. Sometimes this direction feels alien as fear sets in to define it. Nevertheless I perceive regardless how far down we go, it is always a move forward, and so often we think the “mistakes” are uncorrectable. Yet, often we have to go into the world to practice what we have been studying, and often it is these experiences that strengthen, eventually, our resolve to keep on keeping on. I am suggesting a “slip” in A.A. is a good thing if it brings to my attention the understanding I may not always be as ready as I THINK I am to do this inner work.

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Sunday, September 13, 2015 9:36 AM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: RE: Day 1 REPLY

 

Thank you, David.

 

I appreciate your message and what you share. I am grateful that today I am willing to be aware of how I may fight for ‘my’ way, grateful for my mindset of asking for Guidance which feels a relief.

 

I can see as you wrote that the motivation for my childish behavior is based on an emptiness – I think I try to fill that emptiness with giving myself the appearance that I have everything under control. And as I have been losing more and more control over my external environment I had become more and more enraged, and then I just ended up at a bewildered state and that is when I contacted you again.

 

Brenda

 

ok, that is what is important, that we do not try to guide ourselves. Spirit says it is unwise for the separated to try to guide themselves. So I think this is why A.A. and other recovery groups are successful. We encourage each other to keep moving upward.

 

I also feel that there are some of us who are destined to walk this path of inner recovery and there are many who are not here with us presently that are destined to do that. So these others, so to speak, carry a great deal of influence over us and often we are compelled, BY their energy if only indirectly, to join and side with them. So this is how we deviate, or wander “off the path,” so to speak.

 

 

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Sunday, September 13, 2015 4:57 PM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: RE: Day 1 REPLY

 

Well it is true that I have been trying to run away from the inner work, the deep inner work, for a long time, but I cannot shake off completely my attraction to it. I respect and admire in you your dedication and steadfastness to continue in your inner work on a daily basis, year after year. 

 

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Monday, September 14, 2015 9:44 AM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: Day 1 continued

 

What will You have me do this day, where will You have me go, what will You have me say, and to whom? Your Will, not mine, be done through me.

 

My day is a new beginning, a new life, where new opportunities present themselves for me to discover things about myself.

 

The first thoughts I have is that the past will always influence every new day. Everything about the past has brought me to where i am now. Every choice has been a part of where I am now.

 

How can a new day be new for me?

 

New:

 

1.     not existing before; made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time

 

2.     already existing but seen, experienced, or acquired recently or now for the first time

 

3.     just beginning or beginning anew and regarded as better than what went before

 

 

The sun is rising, the sky is filling with light. This day is new in time, new for itself. How can this day be one for me not like days past, filled with regret, or longings for what may be in the future? For that is an already existing day for me, one that repeats itself over and over. How may I experience this same day differently? Why do I think that my regrets of the past will change it somehow? Why do I think that my longings for the future will control how it unfolds?

 

Will I accept newness in this new day You offer me? Will I release my desire to control the future, to hold on to the past? Will You reveal to me in this new day when I allow these old habits to control this new day?

 

 With each new breath I will to be grateful for this moment in time.

 

This is very good. Very honest.

 

It reminds me of a drop of water on a rock, day after day, year after year, the same water dropping in the same spot on the rock. It seems to never have an effect on this rock. Then one day a dent appears in the rock. After awhile a deep hole in the rock. One day the water trickles out of the bottom of the rock from the hole that has penetrate through this rock. Then one day the rock may even split in half from this clear path that has been made through the rock. Or it never splits and the path of the water is made a clear tunnel through it.  I think that over time this is how Spirit works with our minds, one drop at a time.

 

“The first thoughts I have is that the past will always influence every new day. Everything about the past has brought me to where i am now. Every choice has been a part of where I am now.”

 

Hello Brenda,

 

I once made an analogy about my past through the symbols of a physical injury. The result of a physical injury, initially, is a wound, unhealed, sore, perhaps with infection and occasional bleeding. Without proper care, this wound does not heal and stays festering, and can do so for years. However, a treated wound becomes a scar. Both a wound and a scar contain memory, and also a direct experience with it.

 

The wound is a constant reminder of what is not healed.

The scar is a constant reminder of what is healed.

 

I think thoughts of the past are this way. We remember the past in both cases, but with different endings in both case. Of course, the ending WILL influence a new day, and I am sure you can see how that would be so. The difference, in the present, is that a wound will keep me in the past, and a scar will lead me out of it. And of course the choice of these two, is perception I keep about them.

 

I think the only thing that is true with regard to choices is that they are perceptual. I mean the actual idea of “choosing” is meaningless. What is more important is the PERCEPTION of the choice as well as its outcome. If Spirit suggests nothing happens by accident, then one cannot make a mistake. That is not to say that one would not be mistaken ABOUT making mistakes. Yet even this is untrue.

 

 We watched NEBRASKA last night. If you can find it, check it out and watch it. It has a very good message for us all.

 

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Monday, September 14, 2015 9:53 AM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: CoDA

 

Good morning, David.

 

I just thought I would share that I have found there is a CoDA meeting on Friday evenings I will be able to attend. The more I read on the website the more I could identify myself as a co-dependant person. So I look forward to beginning this process of discovery and growth.

 

Thank you.

Brenda

 

That is just great, Brenda.

 

David Ringlein started going years ago, and he is doing very well with it. I think you will also, and I think it will be good for you to be with others right now. There is an “unwritten” rule in 12 Step Recovery groups....that suggests, “No relationships in the first year of recovery”, meaning no “sexual” or “intimate” relationships with another for the first year. They suggest this because the relationship becomes a distraction to one’s recovery.

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Monday, September 14, 2015 7:44 PM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: RE: CoDA REPLY

 

Yes, I can see how a relationship would be a distraction for sure. I have not been in any intimate relationship since my husband...I am pretty used to being alone in that sense now!

 

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Tuesday, September 15, 2015 9:30 AM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: Day 1 continued (pt. 2)

 

What will You have me do, where will You have me go, what will You have me say, and to whom? Your Will, not mine, be done through me.

 

My day is a new beginning, a new life, where new opportunities present themselves for me to discover things about myself.

 

I will begin each day in the newness that You offer me, by turning to You for Direction this day.

 

My direction has led me to wander aimlessly.

 

DIRECTION. I just noticed this word at the top of the bookmark.

 

Direction:

 

1.     a course along which someone or something moves

 

2.     the management or guidance of someone or something:

 

To begin in newness each day I must turn to You for Direction. That is the course along which i will MOVE. As the years have gone by where I have been my own director I have wandered aimlessly, I have remained stagnant in my growth. There must be no movement in aimlessness, it is like being in a closed room with no doors, looking at the same four walls continuously. There is no NEWNESS. That is all I have been able to provide for myself. In the management of my own life, I have not grown, I feel stagnant, I feel as though there is nothing to discover anymore that may give me some inspiration.

 

Yesterday, as I consciously walked through the day with You I discovered about myself. At my internal arts class last night I had the overwhelming sense that I have never been able to just allow myself to truly heal. I have never allowed myself that privilege. It felt good to allow myself the deep healing breaths, for ME. I was inspired when my instructor used the specific words, 'conscious walking' when teaching us some new movements.

 

My direction HAS led me to wander aimlessly. I will to step out of the room with the same four walls, I have found a door and my recent looking out has been pleasant, and so I turn to You for Direction again in this new day. I ask to consciously walk with You today in quiet anticipation of true movement by beginning this day with this prayer:

 

What will You have me do, where will You have me go, what will You have me say, and to whom? Your Will, not mine, be done through me.

 

“To begin in newness each day I must turn to You for Direction. That is the course along which i will MOVE. As the years have gone by where I have been my own director I have wandered aimlessly, I have remained stagnant in my growth.”

 

For me, I feel t his is a perception. Over the years, my perceptions ABOUT my perceptions have changed. As are perceptions geared to do, they motivate me BY this perception I hold of what anything means. It could disarm me and make me more humble and determined, or it could incapacitate me and make me want to commit suicide, seeing the failure I made of my existence.

 

Tara Singh once said, “God does not condemn. Why do we condemn?” So these days if I am to be more compassionate towards myself, I am leaning more these days toward the idea that I have NEVER been my own director, even when my ego was saying I was. For to tell myself I am my own director IS direction or a director defining the direction. Then let us say for argument’s sake that my is telling me I am my own director wandering aimlessly. Then ego is guiding me aimlessly, and EGO WOULD FIND THIS HIGHLY OFFENSIVE. On the other hand, if ego IS telling me I am wandering aimlessly, then it is a blessing, or a red flag for me to check myself to find out if this is actually true.

 

 It is like saying when water runs out of the mountain, it must ever contact rocks and make noises, because by nature, the water is colorless, odorless, soundless, and so should stay this way. What gives it life, so to speak, is its movement and relationship with other things in nature. In this regard, the water is never wandering aimlessly, and neither are we.

 

If then, as you say, you remained stagnant in you growth, then you have come this far to discover this, as you said in a previous post, ”Every choice has been a part of where I am now" which suggests to me that you have grown sufficiently to discover this. Then in and of itself this IS growth. A plant that is not given sufficient water or room to grow, I feel, SEEMS TO BECOME STAGNANT. However, as much as I do not see so, it never does NOT grow in its small contained environment, always wishing TO grow beyond its borders. That is how we are, how the spirit is, I feel.

 

“There must be no movement in aimlessness, it is like being in a closed room with no doors, looking at the same four walls continuously. There is no NEWNESS. That is all I have been able to provide for myself. In the management of my own life, I have not grown, I feel stagnant, I feel as though there is nothing to discover anymore that may give me some inspiration.”

 

It is important that is how you FEEL, but may not necessarily be true. Your growth in that regard is self-defined. I think there IS movement and growth in aimlessness. I think it provokes the need to find out why my perceptions seem to define myself this way. So in that there is movement. Aimlessness PROMOTES movement, just as “helplessness is the welcome mat for mercy”, something I discovered a long time ago.

 

“Yesterday, as I consciously walked through the day with You I discovered about myself. At my internal arts class last night I had the overwhelming sense that I have never been able to just allow myself to truly heal. I have never allowed myself that privilege. It felt good to allow myself the deep healing breaths, for ME. I was inspired when my instructor used the specific words, 'conscious walking' when teaching us some new movements. “

 

That sounds good. That is to what this perception of aimlessness has led you.

 

“My direction HAS led me to wander aimlessly. I will to step out of the room with the same four walls, I have found a door and my recent looking out has been pleasant, and so I turn to You for Direction again in this new day. I ask to consciously walk with You today in quiet anticipation of true movement by beginning this day with this prayer:

 

“What will You have me do, where will You have me go, what will You have me say, and to whom? Your Will, not mine, be done through me.”

 

 

Be the river, and do not be afraid of the noise in your contact with other things along your journey through this existence.

 

Hi Brenda,

 

Do you have any objections to me posting any of our exchanges on the WILDERNESS PATH website?

 

David 

  

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2015 7:17 PM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: RE: WILDERNESS PATH website

 

Hi David,

 

No, I do not have any objection.

 

Thank you for the guidance, for allowing me to share my morning journals, and for sharing your thoughts in response. I feel the fresh air to breathe.

 

By the way, I never did fill the Zoloft prescription. I just couldn’t seem to go there at this point. I may in the future, who knows, but hearing from you that I was not to be belittled if I needed it really meant a lot to me. Thank you for that as well.

 

I did go for blood work yesterday and today found out that I have low iron and vitamin b12 levels, so that definitely has affected my mood stability. Also explains why I have been feeling exhausted. So I am taking care of that with better diet for iron and some vitamin b12 supplements.

 

I will look for that movie Nebraska that you suggested.

 

Brenda

 

Ok, great. Thank you.

 

Let us change that font color from that sick green to something pleasant. I posted you on the WILDERNESS SITE as a light blue. I have to because the background is DARK. So your words will be the light on the dark background there.

 

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2015 7:59 PM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: RE: WILDERNESS PATH website

 

Ok. That made me lol, that you would say my choice of color is a ‘sick green’.

 

I was getting nauseous.

 

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2015 9:31 AM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: Day 1 continued (pt. 3)

 

What will You have me do this day, where will You have me go, what will You have me say, and to whom? Your Will, not mine, be done through me.

 

My day is a new beginning, a new life, where new opportunities present themselves for me to discover things about myself.

 

I will begin each day in the newness that You offer me, by turning to you for Direction this day. My direction has led me to wander aimlessly.

 

I come to experience a New Director for my earthly journey.

 

Director:

 

- a person who is in charge of an activity, department, or organization

 

 Will You, Spirit, be the Director of my day today? Am I willing to give up being in charge? Will You Direct what I do, where I go, and what I say?

 

How will I know when I am taking control? Those moments when I get tense, anxious, angry, or sad, is that when I am trying to be in charge? Will I not ever feel these things when I have been allowing you to be my Director? I do not anticipate being  content and serene all the time if You are in charge of my life, my activities. Perhaps You Will have me see something about myself that I am not happy to see, and perhaps this will make me anxious, angry, or sad? Is it when I am trying to organize my mind to be content and serene and so I never see the root of these things about myself because I deny those feelings?

 

 I do experience a lot of shame in my feelings, especially anger. I see it as a loss of control - it IS a loss of MY control. And I see that when I do get angry, really angry, it is when things in my external world are not going as I think they should, so there is another loss of MY control. I feel like I am losing control of my life, I get angry, and then I feel like I have lost even more control.

 

Is it just about not having acceptance of my external world?

 

 How will You Direct my life today?

 

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2015 9:31 AM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: Day 1 continued (pt. 3)

 

I do not anticipate being content and serene all the time if You are in charge of my life, my activities.

 

Now is that not a revelation, a great freedom that comes with this thought? Wow.

 

Perhaps You Will have me see something about myself that I am not happy to see, and perhaps this will make me anxious, angry, or sad?

 

Could you imagine if a DUCK BILLED PLATIPUS had to deal with this???

 

Again we turn to perceptions, of ourselves and others. In human beings, we are caught in the mire of comparisons. Yet the spirit does not have these handicaps. So the Laws suggests to love one another, however, this must begin with us. And we can see in this experience of self-discovery just how difficult it is to not claim a special relationship with ourselves, much less others.

 

Is it when I am trying to organize my mind to be content and serene and so I never see the root of these things about myself because I deny those feelings?

 

The word ROOT is the key here, I think. It is used in 12 STEP RECOVER literature, at least in A.A.s message. It says, “We must discover the root cause of our condition”. Tara Singh once said, “We must get to the root of things....”

 

It is interesting that the mind has these two polarities and in between them, so to speak, sits the Universal Self that does not take sides.

 

I do experience a lot of shame in my feelings, especially anger. I see it as a loss of control - it IS a loss of MY control.

 

Yes, a loss of MY....and so think of it as permission to BE angry. Once you give yourself permission, there is no more need TO control what it is you wish TO control. I think we are far too restrictive in how we think and live and express. It is why there are so many laws.

 

And I see that when I do get angry, really angry, it is when things in my external world are not going as I think they should, so there is another loss of MY control.

 

So think of this as a way of discovering how we do not allow ourselves, as the river, to flow and crash into things. I can tell you recently I had this episode. The more I attempt to induce others to perform the way I feel they should, the more insane it becomes. And yet I feel I must try to DO SOMETHING to keep it from becoming more insane. This movie NEBRASKA is actually quite good in showing how some of us HAVE to try to control others, while others simply have to follow what they feel is best for them, and have this conviction to see something through in spite of how insane OTHERS may see it is.

 

I feel like I am losing control of my life, I get angry, and then I feel like I have lost even more control.

 

Yes, so can you see that the problem here is “my life” and the idea it can and has to BE “controlled”? We eat dead animals and they have to be kept in a controlled environment and if they are not then they rot. And yet it is just as bad being kept frozen or chilled or whatever. The idea of a controlled life or controlled environment is a contradiction. Controlled Environment.

 

 Is it just about not having acceptance of my external world?

 

Or internal world manifesting externally. External, internal...what difference does it make? We think it needs to be controlled. We just moved and the house is in disarray, and this is part OF moving.

 

How will You Direct my life today?

 

Not within a controlled environment.

 

Remember what Spirit offered us, “The Kingdom is perfectly united and perfectly protected and the ego will not prevail against it. Amen.”

 

You too can recite this in times of temptation. At the Spirit Level, everything is as it should be, and how often this must be remembered as we encounter those experiences that tend to try and teach us otherwise.