November 20, 2013
Almost two years ago, I was contacted by a brother in Zimbabwe who wanted me to “help” him. After about a month I realized he was an alcoholic and proceeded to suggest to him to find some A.A. meetings. We then began working the Steps, through the Step journals. He completed all up to Step 11. It was just after one year. He then abandoned our study.
During our time together, I continually suggested to PC that he needed to make recovery his primary purpose. The inner journey is something that most of us resist, or are merely lukewarm about. PC would continue to look for ways to “improve” his external existence, all the time neglecting the study and his A.A. meetings. In the first year he almost killed himself through recklessness twice, and destroyed his wife’s car before moving out, a suggestion I made to him in the first month. It took him 6 months to move out.
All through our study PC spoke about how wrongly he was treated by the world and by others that resulted in his termination from his job. Now he could not find work. The termination, we later discovered through his journal exercises, was due to his ABUSE of the company; stealing, extortion, etc. He was appealing being terminated. Three times he went to hearings on his case. Three times they postponed the outcome.
The illusion was that PC was “serious” about his recovery. All the while he was waiting for this “pot of gold at the end of the rainbow” he felt would come from the court hearing and his life would be restored to sanity. During Step 11 and in about 1.2 years of study, PC received another court hearing on his case. He said the outcome of his appeal was to be decided. He insisted he had no expectations of the outcome and was completely content with whatever the court would decide.
When the judgment came against him, and they threw out the case, and dismissed any further appeals, I did not hear from him for a week.
I contacted him to ask him why he had not sent me any journal exercises. He told me what happened in court. He was devastated. He manifested constipation and he was ready to die. He was sick and depressed. He told me he felt he wasted 1.5 years of his life. He told me that everything I told him was true and that the reality of that was too much for him to bear. He told me he was moving back in with his wife and abandoned the study. That was about 5 months ago.
PC spent every day of his time with me waiting for the court to rule in his favor. He used the study for his own personal wishes, thinking that somehow if he “did” all the “right” things he would be “rewarded”. Yet he never saw that recovery was NOT his primary purpose, that HIS INTENTIONS AND DESIRES were his primary purpose. He used Spirit in an attempt to get his wishes met. And when things did not unfold as he expected, it devastated him, and he abandoned his study.
And this is the lesson that many, many experience, and why there are so few who have attained any degree of self-understanding or wisdom.
So I am thankful for my introduction to recover back in 1986. I went to an A.A. meeting that year sick with the flu, and as I was sitting there I said, “I cannot stay in this meeting.” I was suffering cold sweats, aching every muscle in my body, and choking on cigarette smoke in that stuffy little room. But I told myself that if I left, I knew I would never make it back. So I stayed.
You speak of 13 years of study. I was in A.A. for 7 years, and within that time 2 years with a therapist, then into A Course in Miracles for 2.5 with another therapist and then went on sabbatical. In my 13th year I was off sabbatical and back in the world for one year working as a locksmith in Tampa. In my second year with the locksmith company, two plain clothes detectives came in with a bench warrant to arrest me and take me back to Miami for non-payment of child support. The bench warrant was 7 years old. I was arrested and spent 7 days in the Dade County jail in my 14th year of study.
The Teacher tells us, “Doubt along the way will come and go, and go to come again. But is the ending certain. No one can fail to do what God appointed him to do.” So it suggests that what we fail to do or think we fail to do is perhaps what we have appointed ourselves to do, and yet in spite of this our failure leads us TO another outcome; His Outcome.
So it should not matter if your entire life is shitty, that nothing makes sense, and that you never get what you want or think you need. It should not matter. What should matter is contact with Inner Teacher and your Self. What in this world could be more important than that? A house? A job? A car? Money?
How important will all that be when our body is in the ground, rotting, and worms are eating our flesh, or we are burned up in a furnace and our flesh turned to ash? Where, then, will YOU be? Where will your heart, spirit, soul and mind be?
Only the ego, the personal mind of self-interest suffers. Only the spirit will find its way out of this suffering and back to the Light. You decide which is more important to you. Come to healing with your parents. Find out what disturbs you about them. Amend your life with them. Transcending a situation requires us to come to peace. It does not come from fighting or aggravation. The world thinks that the way to “peace” is through war. Yet if hindsight has anything to offer, it is that this is the great lie we have taught ourselves.
No matter what action you take, or what you do in your earthly life that you feel is best for you, it is going to work out how it is intended to work out because the Path is already decide. And It is sure. In hindsight this is quite clear. Spirit wants us to live in the world. Relationships, with ourselves and with others, is essential.
You do not have to live by the lies your mind tells you. Your freedom lies in the Wise and not in what we think is best for us. And yet, the irony of that is that what we think is best for us usually is what Spirit has placed in our thinking to assert.