wilderness path

a significant inner journey

From: Brenda Olson

Sent: Tuesday, September 08, 2015 9:42 PM

To: desertspirit@centurylink.net

Subject: There?

 

Hi David,

 

If this is still your email address, I am asking you for help. Please. I feel like I am losing my mind.

Brenda

 

 

Oh wow.....how are you? Long time I have not heard from you. What is going on?

 

You are not losing your mind. You are an intelligent woman. This is a good address to write.

 

 

From: Brenda Olson

Sent: Thursday, September 10, 2015 7:01 AM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: RE: There?

 

Good morning, David. Thank you for your reply.

 

What is going on? I don’t even know how to answer that...I am going to go to the doctor today and asking to go back on Zoloft which I went off of 10 months ago. I was on it for the seven years I was in my marriage relationship because I was ashamed of my emotions. Now I just feel crazy!! The rage I feel is so intense at times, I end up hitting myself, banging my head against walls, I have such an intense need for release. I think of suicide often.

 

I happened to watch the movie Wild last night and it just awed me. I know I have to find my way out alone. I know I don’t really want to die because I am going to try again, but if I am afraid of what will happen if I ‘fail one more time’.

 

I have also made the choice to stop drinking any alcohol because I feel that that will give me a better chance at having any clarity.

 

That is my beginning. No alcohol, but going on back on Zoloft. At this point that is all I feel there is left to try.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

 

Hi, Brenda....good to hear from you.

 

You said you watched WILD. What is WILD? We just watched INTO THE WILD which I was referring to in my past WILDERNESS PATH post.

So if you think you need medication to settle your volatile emotions, then do that. Just do not mix it with alcohol. You know all these external stimulators are only temporary expedients, that the real correction happens internal in the mind.

 

When Amando first came to study, he was as you are now....he was suicidal and on medication. So through that inner work he was able to get past all that, and you can and will also.

 

So what happened after you left the marriage? Where do you live now? Are you working? And from where are you writing?

 

There is a message in A.A.’s recover program that says, “This must go on for a lifetime.” It refers to Step 12. I think the problem with a lot of us is that we abandon what works in exchange for something else, and neglect the need to keep working on ourselves. When that happens, we turn to external things; special relationship, alcohol, medication, etc., the list is endless.

 

Anne Marie says her friends to her she wasted 12 years of her life. So she is off trying to find “the right relationship” subscribing to endless dating services. She sold our house, and told me a week after it was sold that she did so. That is her show of gratitude for our 12 years of study. Of course in that 12 years, somewhere she also became complacent and abandoned the study. Why not? She had the “security” of David Salas living with her, until that changed. Then she went into a tailspin.

 

What you describe is regression. You regressed because you became distracted by other things.

 

So if you wish to begin or continue with the study, we can do so. Perhaps you just need some contact with others who can offer you and encourage you to continue to make the inner journey. We reached an impasse in the past for whatever reason, but we can proceed from that point if you wish.

 

Today my lesson says, “The Kingdom is perfectly united and perfectly protected, and the ego will not prevail against it. Amen.”

 

So you can repeat this mantra today. Regardless of what your mind says, you are safe and protected by Other Forces. You just need an outlet to express yourself.

 

Let me know how you would like to proceed.

 

Thinking of you.

 

 

“I know I have to find my way out alone. I know I don’t really want to die because I am going to try again, but if I am afraid of what will happen if I ‘fail one more time’.”

 

No, you do not have to find your way out alone. And you cannot fail or make mistakes. All works for good.

 

Alcoholics go out and drink, some many times before committing to a recovery program. So consider this just a temporary setback, but even that can be perceived as a good thing. It reaffirms your commitment to the inner journey.

 

You are exactly where you are supposed to be. That is not a cliché. That is a fact.

 

 

From: Brenda

Sent: Friday, September 11, 2015 11:37 AM

To: desertspirit@centurylink.net

Subject: Hello

 

Hi again David.

 

I know that I first asked for help, and then I said that I have to do this alone, but I see you as an extension of myself and I would like to hear your thoughts.

 

I did go to see my doctor yesterday and after some testing I have depression/anxiety. I have a prescription to start on Zoloft again. I feel weak at the idea of going back on this medication, but if I am honest the seven years I was on it was the most mentally stable I had felt. But I wanted to feel 'me' again so I went off, but the progression of my messed up mental state is obvious and I am afraid to let it go any further. I wouldn't deny myself other medicine, for physical issues, but the mind we are supposed to be in charge of, and I can't seem to attain that state.

 

Thank you for any thoughts you might want to share with me.

 

Brenda

 

 

Hello Brenda,

 

ok, so if you feel you need this medication, then do so. It can be temporary, but temporary is also what the existence in the body is, and Spirit says that this temporary existence can go on for lifetimes. So see this temporary use of medication as a one day at a time approach to your recovery, just as A.A. does in its recovery program. Do not think of it as "the rest of my life". Some people need various kinds of assistance in many forms. Do not belittle yourself for that, or you undermine its usefulness.

 

Think also about some CoDA meetings. I think being in a group setting may be good for you for the time being. Co Dependents Anonymous....there may be some chapters in your area. I do not think A.A. meetings are necessary for you as I am thinking alcohol is not your addiction. Perhaps I am wrong, but only you can be the determiner of these things. Let me know how you wish to go on from here.

 

David

 

 

From: Brenda Olson

Sent: Saturday, September 12, 2015 4:22 PM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: RE: Hello REPLY

 

Hi David,

 

Thank you for the guidance. The prescription I have for Zoloft is for quite a low dose, so I think I am going to go ahead and fill it and use it for the time being.

 

In asking myself if CoDA is where I need to be right now I ended up at the official website looking at this page:

 

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

 

I will spend some time going through each characteristic with honest reflection. I have a feeling you are correct that this may be the place for me to grow right now.

 

Thank you again. May I ask for your thoughts/guidance again as I step into this inner work?

 

Brenda

 

 

Hi. I will be here to converse with you.

 

Why not try and acquire some paper and pens and begin the journaling again? You can use the 15 DAY INSPIRATIONS as a guide for study found here:

 

http://www.foundationfortruelearning.org/bookmarkday1.htm

 

You can write the DAY 1 THEME (left side of bookmark) as your mantra for the day, and write your thoughts about these.

 

Then study and journal about the right side of the BOOKMARK. I will reply to any of your journals you care to share with me.

 

One other thought tonight....we can slowly get you back into a daily study and then we can think of other mediums, such as the Steps or even the Course Lessons, for your study later.

 

For now, commit to some time either in the morning or evening, or both if you can, to inner study and journaling.

 

Begin your day with it, and try to end your day with it. Be consistent. Do it every day even if it for just five or ten minutes. Share your study with me. That is how you make it real for you, and how you will strengthen it in you.

 

You have to begin to think again that you only have one day, ONE DAY AT A TIME, which is today, and do the best you can in that day to give your time and attention to study.

 

Try to call upon the Unseen Intelligence that is with and around you. Do not wear yourself out with it. Just start out slow. As you gain in strength and confidence again, you will be able to dedicate more and more time to the study.

 

But first let us just find a basic rhythm in which you can give some time and attention to get you back on track.

 

David

 

You do not have to do a DAY 1 Bookmark IN one day. If it takes you a week to do DAY 1, then do that. Give as much time as you need to each DAY Bookmark. Then study all 15. If you are studying them carefully, 15 days could take you two months, maybe more, maybe less. Just do not do more than one DAY Bookmark in one day, and do not try to do a DAY Bookmark in one day.

 

David

 

From: Brenda Olson

Sent: Saturday, September 12, 2015 10:13 PM

To: Desert Spirit

Subject: RE: Hello REPLY REPLY REPLY

 

Thank you very much, David. I will be in touch soon.

 

Brenda