wilderness path

a significant inner journey



"Anxious mind looks to deviate.


Anxious mind looks for money.


Anxious mind looks for distraction.


Anxious mind wants to be pacified.


Anxious mind wants Spirit to take a disturbance away."



Desert Spirit






Thursday, December 01, 2011

Desert Spirit


     I never had a front porch to sit on.


     I am sitting on the front porch, watching the butterfly feed off the flowers. My mind is anxious, belittling me as I sit here watching the effortlessness of life display itself to me in the natural world.


     I am Told the butterfly represents perfect harmony and balance. Then, its presence in my awareness must be the presence OF harmony and balance.


     But I do not feel this. I do not experience this. I am experiencing anxiety, pressure. I am agitated. And my mind attempts to destroy this moment, introducing the ‘need’ to get up, stop watching butterflies and get busy. My mind is busy, manufacturing anxiety. It wants me to participate, like a spoiled, neglected child.


     Yet I am highly resistant to this intolerable prodding coming from within me. I want to watch the butterfly. It is life. It is love. It is effortless. It is what I am in truth.


     What can this moment with the butterfly teach me? What can this internal pressure that wants to destroy this time with the butterfly teach me?


     I never had a front porch to sit on, until I Received the cabin. At the cabin I sit for hours on the front porch.






     Must I go all the way to Arizona to sit on a front porch? Once, there, I sat on the front porch. A hummingbird visited me. When I shared this experience with someone, this ignorant person said, You should put a hummingbird feeder out there!!! What an idiot.


     The Universe has Provided another front porch, although I make little time to enjoy it. It seems like a waste to have a front porch and never enjoy it. So now I sit on the front porch today, observing the butterfly, and enjoy it, and I feel like I should be doing something else.


     I had my lunch on the front porch. Why would Spirit provide a front porch?






      Is a front porch only for decoration or decorations, or for decorating? Is a front porch only for plants? Is a front porch only for empty chairs? Why did Spirit provide a front porch?


     I hear in my mind, “You should offer your concerns to Spirit and you will be given an answer….maybe you will find a job that will keep you busy…”


     I do not want to be busy. I do not want a job. I want to enjoy the front porch.


     The answer lies in the inquisition. The answer lies in the asking. The answer lies in investigation. The answer lies in probing. I am not asking or looking for an answer from my mind. I am expressing an experience on the front porch that I have never had. In doing so even the mind wants me to be somewhere else. I hear in my mind, “Ask inside yourself if you would like to do something or what is your inner seeking and if you are anxious ask Spirit to take it away from you if it is not a lesson…”


     But I say no to the mind that tells me this. I am not going to resist the anxiousness. I am just going to sit here on the front porch in it. I do not want Spirit to take it away. The longer my mind pesters me, the longer I will set on the porch.


     The longer the anxiety stays, the longer I will sit on the porch. That is what meditation is.


     Medication is for anxiety.


     Meditation is for the front porch.


     I will sit on the front porch for one year without moving if I have to….I will sit here until the anxious mind goes away, even if the sun goes down. I will sit here a week if I have to, but I will not be motivated by anxiousness.


     Once I sat on my couch for three days until the anxiety passed.


     Anxious mind looks to deviate.


     Anxious mind looks for money.


     Anxious mind looks for distraction.


     Anxious mind wants to be pacified.


     Anxious mind wants Spirit to take a disturbance away.


     Anxious mind does not know front porch, does not know life, does not know butterflies.


     Anxious mind manifest ‘helpers’ who attempt to offer ‘solutions’ to anxious mind, yet helper becomes a savior in assisting anxious mind in ending anxious mind.


     In hindsight I review the sentence in the Lesson I studied this morning:



Illusion recognized must disappear.”




     Now the Lesson reads,



Accept not suffering and you remove the thought of suffering.” 


     This seems to contradict the idea that suggests, “Ideas leave not their source.” So the word REMOVE must not be equated with the idea of ELIMINATING.



remove - (L, re, again, + move) - to move again



suffer - (L, sub, under + ferre, to bear) - to bear under; to undergo or experience pain, injury, grief, etc; to permit; to tolerate


     Clearly to REMOVE is not to ELIMINATE.


     In my perception of this lesson, to remove suffering is not to ignore or not pay attention to it. To remove suffering is to see it differently; it is to experience it. It is to not give value or power to it. It is to allow it but not accept it as reality. It is to not let it manipulate me. It comes in, I see it and I do not resist it and it goes, like a stormy day.


     I have been taught and I see others practice the idea of removing suffering as something to negate or deny, to ignore or pretend it is not there. They think by not speaking about it that it will somehow magically ‘go away’. Where does it ‘go’ when it ‘goes away’?


     To remove suffering is to move the energy of it again. Since it is my power that is giving rise TO the idea OF suffering, it is my power that is contained IN the idea. Then, it is my responsibility to ‘move it again’, to move my energy again in a more productive way. Or, would it be wise to say that suffering is an experience that I wish to have that leads TO wisdom and what lies beyond it?


     Now I remember a discovery I made in A.A. regarding the concept of powerlessness; to be powerless is not to be WITHOUT power. To be powerless is to use my power against myself, thereby handicapping myself with the misuse or ill use OF my power. Then, this must be what suffering is; a self-imposed experience that either teaches me of its reality, or to lead me to the understanding of a Reality beyond it.


     Now I consider the natural world must not suffer. Wind does not suffer in the conventional meaning of what I have once defined suffering to be. Clouds do not suffer.  Nor do butterflies when they are spending their days drinking the endless stream of honey that is freely Given to them. 


     Anxiety wants me to find money. Anxiety wants me to spend money I do not have. One thing anxiety will never do is teach me of its unreality; it will never tell me, “Do nothing.”


     I am the holy Son of God Himself. I will not suffer. I will not be in pain. I will not suffer loss, nor fail to do all that salvation asks.