wilderness path

a significant inner journey


Desert Spirit


     Hello S.,

      So today in my morning study and time of contemplation, I was thinking about what Anya said to me yesterday. When I came in from a bike ride I asked he for some wrapping paper to wrap a package I picked for her. She knew that I had found another gift for her when I was out yesterday. She right away thinks she has to "match" my gift giving; if I give one gift she has to give one; if I give two gifts she has to give two; if I make a card for her on the computer she has to make one also. I do not expect this from her, but that is how she is.

       So I went to the internet to look at model cars, the type you received last year for a gift. I showed her one I liked and I suggested we go to HOBBY LOBBY in Ocala to look at them and if she still was looking for a gift for me this would be the gift she could give me. She was very excited about me wanting to find a model car to assemble for myself, but, she said, that would mean I would know the gift she got for me. So I told her I would pick out three, and out of the three she could decide which one to purchase for my gift. This way I would not know which one she selected. So we went and I picked out three, and showed her and left that part of the store. I told her to select one and not tell me which one it is. I even went to get some wrapping paper in the store to give to her to wrap around the gift so I would not be able to see it. So this was a very successful shopping experience and she was very happy.

      SHE WAS VERY HAPPY because I was doing something FOR MYSELF that I find enjoyment in doing. And that she was able to participate in my self-enjoyment by providing the gift.

      So this brought to me the thought of your model.

     So I wish to ask if you ever assembled it, and if not for what are you waiting?

      Because for me assembling a model is self-enjoyment. It is giving time to myself. It is actually giving a timeless moment to myself. To give oneself a moment to one's personal enjoyment is a meditation, meaning it requires one to be fully present. In an activity in which one is FULLY PRESENT, FULLY ATTENTIVE TO what he or she is doing, there is no time. There is actually a suspension of time, because the mind is not projecting a future. It is fully present in the activity.

      This "meditation" is essential for silencing the mind.

     Then, this care for oneself is the act of silencing the mind.

     To not do this is to allow the mind to keep running you around, endlessly, in endless circles.

      To silence the mind means to bring all of mind to the present, to the attention on which one focuses. This is a merciful thing to do for the mind, because the mind never gets this opportunity to rest unless you allow it. It is to not be lost in endless activity, or to be exhausted by time, by yesterday and tomorrow ideas, and all the crap in the yesterday and tomorrow that mind carries.

      So to silence the mind, or to given oneself the opportunity to step out of time by doing something one enjoys is a loving thing to do for oneself. In fact, when you give yourself the time to do something you enjoy, you actually CREATE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED FOR the activity.

      It is to care for oneself. It is to attend to one's own needs. It is to be responsible for one's life.

      To be responsible for one's life means one cares for oneself. If one cares for oneself then one sees the importance OF one's Self. The importance one gives to oneself is called Self-Preservation.

      Self preservation is not self-centeredness. It is selfishness. But this selfishness is not self-centered. It is self-beneficial.

      Being selfish with one's mind and one's time to build a model means one is self-less, meaning all the "important" things one THINKS ONE MUST DO fall away. It is to bring one's mind to the present, where there is no time, where there is no yesterday, where there is no tomorrow, where there is no personal history, where there is no sense of personal duty to others or other things, because a present moment is NEW.

      What is new is pure, what is pure is free, and what is free is happy.

     Were you aware that every NOW MOMENT is pure, and new?

     Are you aware of a pure now moment free of time?

     Free of the NEXT moment which is also pure?

      So to build the model is to be free and happy in the purity of a new, NOW moment. So why have you not built the model?

      Would you argue with me that you do not want or need a pure new timeless moment, free of pressure, worry and anxiety and the demands of others?

      When we dedicate a moment to the present, where we silence the mind IN a present activity, such as building a model, we are practicing Self-Love, or love for oneself. Love for oneself means that one is important TO oneself, and in giving oneself a present moment that is free of time means that one wants nothing from the world, that one is not pursuing the world and all its trappings.

      The purpose of our journey on the earth is to discover why we came and what we are supposed to be doing here. Because I assure you it has nothing to do with being married trying to make someone else comfortable and happy while being miserable inside, taking care of pets, working a job to pay bills, and in the mania of all that think one will be joyous, free, happy and peaceful, with a silent mind.

      If you make excuses as to why you think you have no time to build a model NOW, THIS MOMENT, then every day will become this, meaning there will NEVER BE A DAY YOU WILL FIND TIME TO BUILD A MODEL AND GIVE ONESELF a moment to silence the mind.

      We live IN time, so one cannot ever use the excuse that one "has no time".

      To give a moment to silence the mind, in which one will discover in the simple task of building a model, means one cares deeply for a need to find peace for oneself, happiness for oneself, love for oneself. UNTIL ONE DISCOVERS and CULTIVATES THIS FOR oneself, one has nothing to give another person.

      My sponsor, when I was whining about a girlfriend whom I was attempting to make happy and to whom I sought to give a "comfortable" life, said TO ME, "Think of how difficult it is to change oneself. Then think of how difficult it must be to change another person". These were wise words.

      I thought that if I made the other person happy, then I would be happy. But the motivation BEHIND MY WANTING TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE HAPPY was MY UNHAPPINESS. And the more my unhappiness motivated me to try to make someone else happy, the worse I became, AND the other person became even more demanding and miserable.

      So the direction and focus must be reversed.

Instead of trying to make someone else comfortable and happy, I had to first do this with myself.

      And so building a model was how I began, in a very simple and basic way, to care about myself, and my time, and how I was going to use my time in the world. I started to forget about what I THOUGHT someone else wanted or needed, and started to do things that were important to ME, independent of involving anyone else.

      When one can care this way for oneself, then this means one has become responsible FOR ONE'S LIFE, for one's peace, for one's happiness, for one's joy. In this self-fulfillment I no longer found I NEEDED TO DO THINGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE and therefore I no longer needed to GET ANYTHING FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

      If you think about it, the irony is that when I think I need to do things for other people, I am saying, indirectly, unconsciously, that I want to GET FROM other people. What am I trying to get from other people by doing things I think I must do? The answer is pretty obvious; I am trying to GET FROM THEM acceptance, acknowledgement from others that I am a "good" person, love from others, etc.

      Yet this begs to ask the question, "Why have I not given these to MYSELF?"

     You would do well in finding some CoDA meetings and start attending.

      The fact of the matter is that one has nothing TO offer another person UNTIL he or she has first taken fully care of oneself, become responsible for one's life and one's needs.

      How is it possible for me to know what will make another person happy if I am UNHAPPY? It is a contradiction to say, "I must make another person comfortable and happy. THEN I will be comfortable and happy..."

      Do you find joy and freedom in being in the company of other people, or do you worry about what someone is going to say if they find out you were WITH another person?

      Start taking care of yourself first. Then you will be demonstrating for others who need to take care of THEMSELVES. And this can apply to ANY RELATIONSHIP you are presently in, be it with a family member such as your mother and father, or your wife.

When you END the insane need of thinking you need to do something for someone else to make them happy, you will begin to feel happy, AND FREE, rather than guilty, because you will have begun the process of withdrawing your power, attention and focus from them and started giving back power, attention and focus to yourself.

      Then when you care for yourself in this way, you will not care one way or another if others are happy or not ABOUT what you are doing in and with your life.