wilderness path

a significant inner journey


  "So first you have to come to terms with the fact that

you attempted to meet the expectations of others, rather than your own,

and have now discovered it is not possible."


Desert Spirit




 Saturday, July 06, 2019

 Desert Spirit


      Hi David! Thank you for writing and sharing your experiences! I understand that love, infatuation and affection are different things. Love is love, no matter the context.

      I have a question for you: I’m attaching a screenshot from one of the passages that you shared: 

“There is no rule that says if a heart has moved, if a consciousness has grown, the human being must remain faithful to something that no longer holds them in the name of society’s definition of the meaning of love.”  (from Emmanaul’s Book)

     So, what do I do if I have made a bunch of promises to more than one person in the family, and my life is deeply intertwined with my partner? How can I leave the relationship now? S.

     LOVE is LIFE.

     It is not an emotion, or a sentimental feeling.





 “So, what do I do if I have made a bunch of promises to more than one person in the family,” 

     Define “the family”.

      First, we have to understand what we are talking about. Otherwise we use words and do not understand their true meaning.

      I will assume you are speaking of the immediate IDEA of a family which may include Peter, Anya and perhaps your uncle and grandmother and grandfather. To these individuals you say you made many “promises”, yet we also have to consider what a promise is in truth. What we call a promise is not really a promise. It is more an agreement to uphold and ideal or the expectations of others.

      In truth, a promise cannot be broken.

      Light is a promise.

     Heat, cold, wet, wind, sunlight, warmth, energy...all these are promises.

     They are laws that CANNOT BE broken.

     Promises are Laws.

      So a true promise is a law and laws cannot be broken. If they can be broken, like paying your taxes, then they are not laws. They are RULES and rules ARE meant to be broken.

      What you have spoken to the others are not laws or promises. They are expectations and agreements and ideals you at the time of your making them felt were appropriate TO those to whom you revealed these.

      In other words, your “promises” were made to APPEASE THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS but not you.

      And so we begin to see the insanity of attempting to appease others while thinking you could actually do such a thing. For how could YOU EXPECT to fulfill the expectations of OTHERS while not fulfilling your own? And how can you possibly know what ARE THEIR expectations of you?

      If you allow no one to place expectations on you, then you can never disappoint them.

     If you allow yourself to meet your own expectations, and fail to do so, then you will only disappoint yourself.

      If you appease yourself, then by default you appease others.

     If you try, however, to appease others and not yourself, you will NEVER appease either them OR you.

      For we who think we are a body, there is the idea of family as it relates to the biological connections we share with others. Yet consider how many “families” one actually has if we have been in other bodies before we were in this body. For we have had many lifetimes.

      So consider even how many “families” one has been in within THIS lifetime; for there is the “family” of children with which we grew up, the “family” of close school friends, the “family” of college associates, the “family” of our working relationships, our “family” of our favorite toys, or hobbies, the “family” of our favorite flavors and colors, the “family” of colored pencils we use, the “family” of Hot Wheels we collect...we have been “in” and are in MANY families.

family - (from the word FAMILIAR) - parents and their children; relatives; all those descended from a common ancestor; lineage; a group of similar or related things

familiar  -  (see family) - friendly or intimate; closely acquainted with; common

      A family is that with which you are familiar. A fish cannot be family to a fowl, although they DO belong to the Family of Life which all living things share. But fish and fowl are of two different families. Fish are not remotely familiar with pelicans except where the two meet and one becomes the meal of the other. Then they can agree they had a true “family” dinner.

      FAMILY means THOSE DESCENDED FROM A COMMON ANCESTOR. Either you are a body, and your descendants are Russian, and this is your true family, or there are some other ancestors from whom you/we have descended.

      We are ALL human beings and so have descended from the common ancestry we call “humanism”.

     Yet we are also the spirit. Then, we are all spirits that have DESCENDED FROM A COMMON Ancestor, or a Common Spirit, which leads to the next premise. That in truth, there is only ONE Family; we all share the same Father Creator and Mother Earth. We are all brothers and sisters in spirit to one another.


     In India they feel pain the same way they do in China and in Toronto.

      This is the TRUE definition, and the true reality of family. What we call “family” is not family, because the word FAMILY means TO BE JOINED WITH and DESCENDED FROM A COMMON ANCESTOR.

  “and my life is deeply intertwined with my partner?”

      Why do you call the other person your “partner”?

     Who taught you this word?

     Is this what they say in therapy?

     Is this a new buzz word; PARTNER?

     “Howdy partner!”

      How did one become deeply entwined with one’s partner? Does your partner agree with you, that she too is deeply entwined? Because a true partner means that there is an equal agreement to what is.

      Perhaps the truth is that SHE IS NOT ACTUALLY YOUR PARTNER but you have made her such?

      Deeply intertwined suggests one is tangled in the web of others’ wishes, desires, ideals and expectations while failing to satisfy one’s own.

      Your job is not to entwine yourself into the wants and needs of another, because you could never satisfy them anyway. Why? BECAUSE THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB.

      “How can I leave the relationship now?”

      Just open your mouth and say, “I need to be alone to discover who I am and I wish for you to respect this. If you do not, then that is ok too, but this I must do for myself.”

      First you have to plant seeds.

     Then these seeds start to grow.

     But if you do not plant seeds, then there is nothing TO grow.

     Planting seeds means taking action and considering possibilities.

      For example, “Today I will just go look at this apartment that is available”. If it all unfolds very naturally, then you know there are no obstacles to stop you. If you hit snags along the way, then either you are not ready, or you are ready and you are being Tested to determine if this is what you truly desire. We cannot be lukewarm about things and expect our lives to transform or to have a change in consciousness.

      So first you have to come to terms with the fact that you attempted to meet the expectations of others, rather than your own, and have now discovered it is not possible.

      You then come to terms with this fact that you are capable of making mistakes, assuming you perceive this to be a mistake, and accept the fact that making mistakes is part of learning about yourself.

      You then discover that you cannot really make mistakes IF the perceived mistake leads you to make adjustments in your life that liberate you FROM the idea of appeasing others rather than yourself.

      Your basic issue, as I perceive it, is the idea that you will have LET OTHERS DOWN, and that you have HURT OTHERS and in this you feel the pinch of this. Yet the fact of the matter is you CANNOT HURT ANYONE EXCEPT YOURSELF. If, however, you feel you CAN hurt others, then others will use this against you to hold you responsible for their unhappiness and you will experience guilt for this.

      So we go back to the quote and see where the answer is hidden in it:

 There is no rule that says if a heart has moved, if a consciousness has grown, the human being must remain faithful to something that no longer holds them in the name of society’s definition of the meaning of love.”

      Society’s definition of the meaning of love is not love. It is desire. It is self-condemnation. It comes from an unhealthy wanting within the seeker that motivates the individual to pursue another person and take them as their prisoner so that they will feel “loved”.

      There are also two prerequisites:



      These two are the criteria for moving out of a situation that no longer serves you. If your heart HAS NOT MOVED, meaning it has not moved from APPEASING OTHERS to APPEASING YOURSELF, then you cannot leave the relationship because your heart is STILL TRYING TO APPEASE THE OTHER PERSON.

      If a consciousness has not grown, meaning if it has not been blatantly clear that you have to first take care of YOURSELF, then you cannot move out of the relationship because you are not consciously aware that you are still trying to take care of others.

      A consciousness shift occurs when you move from making OTHERS responsible for your pain to making YOURSELF responsible for your pain. When you start doing the things that bring you peace with yourself, then you will outgrow others and by default you will no longer to be able to remain in those relationships because OF this change in consciousness.

      Consciousness grows when you see GUILT is self-condemnation, and you vow to NEVER CONDEMN YOURSELF.

     A heart moves when it sees that Self Love is greater than Self Hate.

      You are not responsible for another’s pain any more than they are responsible for yours, but you are responsible for your own. Each person must come to self honesty about this.

      It is very common but insane for someone to attempt to manipulate the feelings of others in order to get THEIR needs met. THIS IS WHAT SALESMEN DO.

      And if you see that YOU do this also, then you will see that you are just a salesman trying to sell others your wares and that it is not going to bring you freedom or peace, not within yourself or with others, because OTHERS ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE TO MEET YOUR NEEDS nor do they have to purchase your wares.

      So how does one move from my present circumstances and not feel the pain of it? One cannot. Try NOT washing your dishes after dinner. You will see how difficult it is to change.

      Inevitably you will experience discomfort as you grow. However, if you are certain in your own determination to take care of yourself, then the strength of that will guide you. You may experience the pain of the OTHER PERSON as you detach their attachments to you from yourself. In other words, you will feel their pain, but will not be affected by it.

      When you are around someone, and you feel good, that is their energy that you are feeling. It stimulates something in you and co-mingles with your energy. But the negative feelings are the same way. Their discomfort will affect you, just like someone passing gas will make you want to throw up.

      We are affected BY others’ energy, yet we must maintain our boundaries and our borders so that we may not find ourselves entangled IN the energies of others. When no one has boundaries and borders, we have enmeshment and entanglement.

      You are caught in the web that you have allowed another to weave for you, yet it is actually your own web. And you are having a hell of a time freeing yourself. Yet unconsciously you may NOT WANT TO BE FREE.

      You may feel that the circumstances are far more tolerable than they would be if you were to attempt to detach yourself. So you compromise your own integrity and stay in the situation, thinking it is “better” than the “alternative”. Yet the alternative is only WHAT YOU DEFINE IT WOULD BE.

      If you are going to predetermine what will happen if you take steps to remove yourself from a situation, then at least see the outcome as SOMETHING YOU WANT rather than something you DO NOT WANT.

      If you think, “If I leave this relationship I will not be able to function” you can just as easily think “If I leave this relationship I will function must more efficiently”.

      But be careful to not define what the outcome will be FOR SOMEONE ELSE because that will only once again place all your focus on the other person rather than on yourself.

      I told my ex-wife that I needed to go get sober and could not have a family. When I was three years in A.A. I made amends to her. She said, “Good, now we can be a family”, yet I told her, “No, that will never be possible. I have a new family”. I had grown in conscious awareness of a need to take care of MYSELF, and she was still stuck in the idea that I WAS SUPPOSE TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND THE BOY. And so she retaliated with a vengeance. And recently another screamed at me, “YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME!” upon discovering our time together had come to an end that she refused to accept.

      So this is what is needed in this world - a detachment from that which is not productive in one’s life. You cannot know what will be the outcome of your decision to leave a relationship, but you do know that it will be different from what it is now and new.

      When your fingernails get too long, you clip them off. The fingernails do not take this personal, nor do you feel a loss when you depart these small clippings from your fingers.

      And so it is with all things.


      Life loves all equally.

     If one’s love is not universal and equal to all things, then it is not love.


     The Sun gives warmth to ALL LIVING THINGS ON THE PLANET.

     That is what Love does.


      It is impersonal, and does not designate HOW you are to use this energy, this love, this sun, this warmth, or whatever it is we are eternally Receiving.



Hi David,

     I am attached to many things and people and I am very comfortable, even though some of these things and people cause me great discomfort at times. When I was separated from these things and people I felt I missed them.

     Thank you for taking your time to respond!  S

      So you are saying others make you feel comfortable, and that is called being insecure. Insecure people depend on others for their security. This makes them dependent on others and things other than themselves. 

     This is the sickness of the world.

     If this is you then you cannot love, nor can you know what is love, because love must start with yourself.

     This also means that what others provide to you is not love. You therefore share sickness with others, and not love.    

     So you can never be truly happy.