“I think I am peaceful when my personal issues are satisfied,
when time ideas I serve are met ‘on time,’
when my personal life is managed by me and ‘in order’
according to my ideas of what is order,
when my anxiety is satisfied,
when my worries press me to find
an artificial answer to them,
when my inner discontent thinks it has found yet
another solution to this condition.
My peace is artificial, manufactured.”
Monday, September 26, 2011
“I want the peace of God.”
This is my holy instant of release from time, space and the ego-thought system. From the Lord God of my being I call forth the Light of the Christ Mind, the I Am, the holy Self, the Piece of God that must be created in and out of this peace which You say is not of this world.
And so it must be that there is nothing in this world that can give this peace to me. Yet You give me this Lesson today IN this world, You Who know the peace of God, You Who reside IN the peace of God.
Then, is it the peace of God that gives this Lesson to me, as well as the response that fuels me to write these words?
I think I am peaceful when my personal issues are satisfied, when time ideas I serve are met ‘on time,’ when my personal life is managed by me and ‘in order’ according to my ideas of what is order, when my anxiety is satisfied, when my worries press me to find an artificial answer to them, when my inner discontent thinks it has found yet another solution to this condition.
My peace is artificial, manufactured.
And the externals seem to change again and I encounter delay, lack, pressure, worry, more concern, again and again and again; the circular reasoning of my unreasonable mind seems to never end. I become desperate, depressed, angry and unsettled for which the world offers me its temporary ‘solutions’.
And so I think the peace of God is given and withdrawn, withheld, or given in small, insignificant portions. How can I think otherwise if I have agreed with You that all things are part of Order, and that nothing happens by accident and designed for my highest good that become my perceived experiences? For it often does not feel like Order or for my highest good.
So I begin this day with the thoughts that the end of the month is approaching, and my plans to take the time to visit the cabin are approaching
I want the peace of God. I desire the peace of God. I lack the peace of God. I say it, but do I mean it? And if I constantly deceive myself, how can I be so sure?
I do not even know what it is because I am a time-bound entity who looks to the externals for clues to this truth. The Tarot offers me prophecy of my immediate future. I want the immediate future NOW. I want the immediate future revealed through the Tarot to be part of the peace of God, to be my reality, and provide me with this experience of peace of God in a form I can understand.
So as this day unfolds and as I do not perceive my own best interests, I ask You my Elder Brother in whom the peace of God resides, in whom IS this peace we must all share if all minds are joined, what will You have me do this day, that I may experience this peace of God for which we appeal to the Father? Where will You have me go, that I may realize this peace cannot be defined or dictated by a world of bodies? What will You have me say and to whom, that I may see the peace of God which passes all understanding in the words You give me to study and extend to others?
Your peace must be done through me if that is part of His Peaceful Plan. Decide for Him for me for my earthly journey how I am to carry this peace through time and space.
Now my Lesson reads,
“To say these words is nothing. But to mean these words is everything.
If you could but mean them for just an instant,
there would be no further sorrow possible for you in any form; in any place or time.”
Is future sorry my immediate future? Is future sorry my destiny in my ignorance of the peace of God?
Obviously You reveal here these words are not a truth for me; I do not live the truth of these words. I do not live the truth of these words because my peace is artificial. I do not mean them when I repeat them. My definitions of peace are false, foolish, deceptive, and I think to say these words is sufficient to bring forth the power of them.
Yet I look to the externals, to the world of form and materiality for the truth of them, and I look to time and place to reflect the truth of them. And yet to do so is to assume I know what is the peace of God, how it feels, what it looks like.
The truth of the matter is I LACK the peace of God, or I lack the awareness of the peace of God. And therefore I look TO form and TO experience and TO time and TO places to give me what I lack.
I seek outside myself for what I lack and I fill the lack with artificiality; false peace that changes the moment I think I am IN it. It evades me. It is reclusive. It will not allow me to capture it, seize it for my own use, store or contain it. It is like a thief in the night; it comes stealthily to steal away whatever I think is part of it.
The momentum of my pursuit for peace seems to be unstoppable as I rush forward, pressed by time, to meet the demands for peace within me. As a result, I manifest aspects of myself who also demand from me peace to be given to them. Pressured by time, they too pursue the need to satisfy grief, anxiety, depression, lack of love, sickness, sadness, insecurity, thinking these will lead them to peace, thinking I am suppose to provide it to them, thinking I can somehow supply them with this peace.
And when I cannot supply these, I am damned. And the pursuit for peace in the externals goes onward, forever warding off the inevitable consequences of not maintaining this “peace” within me, within them.
On and on it goes, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, until I am laying in a casket, staring at the closed cover as my corpse rots and stinks, wondering if this is where my pursuits for peace, love, have led me.
It says peace of GOD.
Yet I think others can give me this as I pursue them, making my arrogant demands for this peace. I demand it from others, in endless forms. I call it ‘love’. And when it is not given me from others I reject them, discard them, throw them away to the junk pile of uselessness, pressing onward in future pursuits for the next victim from whom I will try to extract peace/love/acceptance.
It says PEACE of God.
Therefore it must be inherent in me. How do I MEAN the truth You offer me? How do I feel it in this broken heart and fragmented mind, a peace that is not of this realm?
I offer to You, my Inner Teacher, this idea of peace that I have made that I think I can capture and cage and keep for my personal pleasure and use. For when the shallowness of MY peace and love have been revealed, and I am once again immersed in a vast sea of depression, uncertainty and loneliness, then I am aware my peace, my love, is of this world and useless.
Today it is Your peace that fuels my energy to emit and admit honestly these thoughts and feelings to You, releasing them in my desire to purge myself of futile attempts to find love/peace in a world that is not my Home. Yet in me must this eternal peace live that is the Life Force.
I cannot BE absent from the peace of God that I am. And so must this Piece today remind me of the peace in which I am created.
So be it now.
“It is done.”