wilderness path

a significant inner journey


"You think a holy relationship is

a sexually gratifying experience or experiences

with what you think is a ‘spiritual man/women.'

Desert Spirit






Friday, December 28, 2007

Desert Spirit



Today my study takes me into the sub-chapter, Development of Trust, in which it is written,


First, they must go through what might be called ‘a period of undoing’.”


With regard to the fact that this is speaking of what is entailed in the training of a teacher of God, it suggests that those who do not go through a period of undoing are not teachers of God. And so many profess and assign themselves the title of teacher, but fail to enter into the first phase of this training, which is the undoing of the ego-thought system, as well as the undoing of one’s identity with a personal identity, the self.


Now this study asks,


This need not be painful, but it usually is so experienced.”


The undoing of the ego-thought system, the undoing of the personal identity of the self, is experienced as painful. Then, resistance to the undoing must be equally painful. I will to investigate this, that I may live the truth of it.


The period of undoing is usually experienced as painful, where identity of self is deflated, where special relationships with one’s mind and with others is abandoned, or brought to healing/correction/forgiveness.


In my own experiences with others, I perceive they wish to retain a special relationship with their mind and with others. And in my experiences of the undoing of the personal identity, I have been told of all my faults, by others, in applying this lesson. In their desire to preserve THEIR personal identity, they find my participation in the undoing a threat, or weird. They would rather pull me back into identification with a personal self, rather than abandon their own.


They wish to retain a special relationship with their mind, and with others, because they wish for what they think is a holy relationship to be one. It is not.


They think a holy relationship is, for one, a sexually gratifying experience or experiences with what they think is a ‘spiritual man/women.’ And so no one has discovered Your Course is a path of relationship with Self, a relationship with one’s own mind and its thoughts and ideas, a relationship with one’s Identity that is not defined as a special or separate identity.


And so the special relationship is upheld in the guise of a holy relationship. When it becomes boring, or old, or no longer gratifying, it is replaced with another.


Now I look forward to the time when beings like Jeanette Geary and her ‘spiritual relationship’ that is founded on sexual gratification will collapse, as the others have, or is removed from her life, as others have been, and she is once again back to seeking for another in her idea that “It did not work out – I had high hopes for him – but he is weird, a jerk.”


I look forward to her special relationship fall down around her and she is once again despaired and in confusion and sadness, seeking again and again for sexual satisfaction under the idea she is ‘in a spiritual relationship.’ I look forward to it because each one that fails will lead her closer to the Fact that her ideas of holy relationship or spiritual relationship do not come from the preservation of the ego and her personal identity. And I wish this upon all beings who seek to awaken to the Self.


In my own journey, I look to You for what must be undone in my thinking that it may be within Your Decisions for me to come to the healing of my sacred mind, where I will no longer permit the false to reside there nor tolerate the ones who seek to use me for personal gratification.


Now I have see that in the undoing of the mind of its personal attachments to identity, the resistance to letting go OF personal attachments and identity is permeated with fear, guilt, despair, regret, loneliness, worry and sadness. And this must be because there is a resistance IN the dying of the self.


Many come to Your Course to PRESERVE or GRATIFY or BETTER the ego self, thereby making the ego a teacher of God, or a student of Your Course, or a messenger of peace, or a pupil. Yet hardly any being I have met has been willing to take the step of the undoing of the ego.


All the confusion and pain comes from wishing to preserve the personal identity.


They do not understand that the ego, the personal identity with a brain, will never understand this Course, and that the ego cannot LIVE ITS TEACHINGS. So they compromise, and memorize It and repeat Its teachings and convince themselves they are teachers, and sell their ideas to any fool who will listen, including themselves, or they completely abandon It for some other teaching, convinced It is not for them.


As long as a being attempts to live by Your Course principles and hold onto a personal identity, they will suffer.


They say, “I will never get this; I will never be good enough,” thinking there is something TO get, not seeing it is the ego that wants to ‘get’ so that the personal identity can convince itself it is ‘spiritual.’ And so in the idea the Course is not ‘for them,’ they seek OTHERS or other mediums.


They continue to seek for a medium that will allow them to preserve their ego, their personal identity, and a history of their personal interests is part of the retaining of the self.


They equate the personal identity with the Self. They think the personal identity IS the Self.


When it says, “Know thyself,” they think this means to know their ego, know their personal identity. When it says, “Love,” they confuse this with the idea, “Love the ego – love your personal identity.”


They do not see the personal identity is preserved in the DENIAL OF Self.


So when it says, “Love your Self,” they love the denial of the Self by loving the personal self, the ego. These are the ones who dress ego in spiritual robes.


Therefore, letting go, or undoing of a personal self is the pain they experience. Too heavily identified with the ego, with the personal definitions of themselves, they cannot conceive of a life without dependency on the personal identity they have designed for themselves. And their lives are frustrating and without any harmony or peace, except those times they can artificially manufacture them.


Now when I do not recognize the ego as they wish for me to do so, they say, “But you are my SON,” or “Do you still LOVE ME?” Not even GOD HIMSELF would say these things. And ALL identity with Self is lost.


An INTELLECTUAL UNDERSTANDING OF the undoing of the personal mind is NOT the undoing of the personal mind.


Now I leave them in their personal definitions of themselves and those they make of me. I will not be the object of their pain-filled refusal to undo the personal identity they have attached to their minds. I leave them in the pain and denial of their resistance to the Atonement, and carry on with the extending of these discoveries that come out of my contact with the Undoing, and all lessons that You assign to me.


Be it so now.

“It is done in this way.”