wilderness path

a significant inner journey


" To please oneself is a monumental task.

To please others is impossible."

Desert Spirit





Friday, October 12, 2007

Desert Spirit



Today I see my Training by You is to assure me I will never fall into the position of thinking I am a star, a hero, a leader, a teacher. I thank You for this experience of being placed on a pedestal by others, only to be knocked off it by others. And I thank You for this experience that provides me with a way to see I will to be not placed in the roles of star, leader, hero teacher.


The words still ring loudly in my ears, those words Jeanette offered – “I had high hopes for him.” Are these the Words of my Father? Or are these the words of the great deceiver Mara who thought he could groom me for stardom?


They are words a demon would say.


Now I begin my day and my lesson with these Insights You offer me.


Thank You, Father Spirit / Mother Earth for all You provide to me that allows me this space and time to work, to study, to perform the duties You Assign to me that allows me my daily bread that You Give.


Now I come to pray, to Receive Your Thoughts that You Extend to my mind now, and may this be the response I give to You in the Reception OF Your Thoughts Given to me.


What will You have me do this day, where will You have me go, what will You have me say and to whom? May Your Decisions be done through me. May I allow all You Offer , and resist none of what You Offer, seeing ALL THINGS are Your Offerings to me.


There is nothing more important to me than this study that You Provide in Your Request to me to seek not for love but for the barriers within myself that I have built in myself against it. And so I will seek not for love FROM my brothers and sisters, who wish to cast me into roles their minds assign to me for the sole purpose of feeling good about themselves.


So I thank personally Deborah and Jeanette for these lessons, and all others who attempted to place me on a pedestal of stardom, in their desire for me to be their hero, leader and teacher.


Now I am their loser.


Now I will elaborate on these recent lessons and interaction with others that I may better understand the lesson and my part in it and Your Part for me in it.


I have been cast into a category with what I am told, by Jeanette and Deborah and the others who ‘follow’ her opinions, is a ‘teacher’ who can ‘heal’. Yet I do not recall ever claiming this, for myself, or in my interaction with them. Nor do I have anything to sell them. Somehow this is a role into which they have decided to place me.


And this has raised a disturbance in me, a deep sense of sorrow and loss of their own need to seek within themselves why they continue to pursue me or anyone or anything external to them that they think will provide ‘the answer’ to their repressed misery.


Now one says, “You have helped me so much,” and the other says, “He is brilliant and needs a large platform”. And in less than a few days, weeks, I am stripped of these titles for failing to measure up to their expectations.


In this short period of time, where I was raised to stardom by these beings who think they have an understanding of peace, happiness, security, freedom, love, even God, I am now cast aside, unable to deliver to them what they have demanded I serve to them. Now I am the image of their scorn. They call me ‘delusional’ with a ‘messianic complex’. And yet it is THEY who invited me.


And so in doing so these beings place THEMSELVES upon the pedestal of stardom, of hero, of leader, of healer, of counselor, of conquerors of the ‘’delusional’.  Yet they do not see the delusions of grandeur from which they suffer that has promoted this sequence of events.


And in these self-assigned roles they erect for themselves, they allow their minds to tell them they are ‘special’ and those they elect to the posts they assign to others they too become ‘special’.


Now this movement can only be motivated and supported by the insecure, the frail, the fearful, the guilt ridden. They are those who NEED a star, a hero, a leader, a teacher. And they need those whom they can call a loser.


These are the ones who follow others who then want to be leaders OF the ones they follow. They seek others to agree with them, like a angry mob that seeks to lynch the ‘bad ones’.


And so those who have placed me in the ‘star/hero/leader/teacher’ roles are the ones who want, desire and NEED a star, a hero, a leader, a teacher.


They come to be the fans, the supporters, the advocates, the followers, the groupies who follow the star around, feeding off him, using his resources, until he offends them.


And then they cast their stones, holding him up before all others to mock and ridicule.


In doing so they demonstrate their pitiful attempts to be stars themselves, to be heroes themselves, to be leaders and teachers themselves, thinking they can love and help others.


And they become the losers.


They place me on a pedestal to make me what THEY want. They attempt to make me a teacher, and then demand I follow THEIR ways. Then, when I do not adhere TO their ways, thereby making THEMSELVES a teacher, they ridicule, insult, and belittle.


They make me a teacher that THEY wish TO teach.


They are unable to teach me their ways. It is their desire I follow their ways and adhere to the role they place me in. I cannot, and so I am admonished.


So be it.


So I thank You, Teacher, for this lesson and freedom from the roles into which these beings attempt to cast me. And today Deborah and Jeanette and all the rest of them can remain with their ideas that they have ‘conquered the evil’, they have ‘slayed the dragon,’ they have ‘put him in his place’ IN THEIR MINDS.


And I thank You for my release from a mental institution where the medicated and deceived dream of illusions of grandeur.


I will walk away, to leave them in the life they have chosen for themselves to live. And I thank You for Donna Jean, as well as any others who may not be presently known to me who have heard Your Voice within themselves.


Now I look to my study this day in this new view of my own time on this plane. And I am thankful and grateful You have Led me to be not a star, a hero, a leader, a teacher and make others dependent on me.


I will remain in the shadows, to extend the truth I am and my experiences in the offering of my own hidden demons.


Be it so now.

“It is done.”



Now my lesson reads, “ As the course emphasizes, you are not free to choose the curriculum, or even the form in which you will learn it,” the curriculum of seeking within for the errors. And if I do not listen to You, then my brother will come to mirror what must be healed in me. And he WILL POINT OUT what he perceives to be my error, and I will be able to come to correction of that.


Long ago he, my brother, said to me, “You are a fucking alcoholic,” and these WERE the Words of the Wise that led me to Sobriety. Now I wonder who will hear when I say, “The delusions are in you that you perceive are in me”?


Now the lesson states there is EMPHASIS and so it must be important, There is importance placed on this Fact that I am NOT FREE to DECIDE the curriculum. And they find themselves in a scathing exchange whereby they are asked to look at the twisted logic of their own thinking. They think they have not chosen to be IN the lesson, and therefore think they can choose to be out of it. In doing so they think they can define the curriculum of inner correction. And their misery lingers and lingers.


So they think they can pick and choose, as I once thought I could. Yet it is You Who Select the pupil AND the curriculum. And the curriculum is UNLEARNING, not learning more.


The curriculum as You Define it is UNLEARNING, not learning more.


The curriculum is,  Your task is not to seek for love...” And even aware OF this curriculum they think they can choose out of it or what it is.


And so I certainly did not seek it FROM Jeanette or Deborah, OR receive it from them. And introducing my experiences TO them they have resisted greatly the Plan You have Decided in each one’s responsibility to seek within themselves the barriers to Love’s Presence – …”but seek and find within yourself all the barriers you have built against it.” And without Your Light they will fear making the inner journey.


They think the Voice You speak to me, that I speak to them is my ‘delusions’.  If I say it is Your Voice I suffer from a ‘messianic complex’. If I say it is my voice they say I suffer from ‘delusions of grandeur’.


For losers, I cannot be heard.


Nor can You.


So I will EMPHASIZE it is because they have never heard their OWN Inner Voice is WHY they invited me to be their star, their hero, their leader, their teacher, who is now their loser.


They say, “David cannot meet some people where they are at, because of where he is at”. Yet they think they can bring the Spirit World to THEIR level, rather than rise TO the Spirit Level.


They are the alcoholics who still sit in the bar, calling to the sober one, to come to the bar so they, the drunks, can give their dissertation on how to live sober. And these drunks will not hear sobriety UNTIL they leave the bar and enter the rooms of recovery.


So I cannot delve into the problems of their twisted logic, but I can reveal the twisted logic and an opportunity that You Provide as a way out of it.


So if Deborah and Jeanette resent seeking for the barriers within themselves, it can only mean You have not Chosen this curriculum for them. Yet they think the curriculum is useless, rather than their own minds.


Now if they cannot choose the curriculum or the form they will learn it, then their attraction to me and the curriculum of undoing they THINK they want will be resisted. And yet it is clear to me that the resistance TO the curriculum of ‘Seek not for love’ is not one Chosen for them. For they still seek for love, acceptance, etc.


And You Ask,  Your task is not to seek for love…” and their reply is, “I am not walking but running to God; I am still seeking for Love…” And they think someone else, either Joel Osteen or some other ‘feel good warm and fuzzy’ salesman has it.


And so I turn away and leave them to their fits of madness.


For if I offer a Hand that would lead away from the prison and out of the mind’s madness and it is not accepted, and they spit in it, how can I not turn away?


They scream for help as the quicksand sucks them down, down further, to the point of suffocation. And their muffled cries are barely audible to me.


Now they reject Your Gift. They see It as not useful. But within the audience, others, beings like Donna Jean, are watching, listening, observing and discovering this is their Opportunity also to free themselves from this cesspool of unhappiness and dependency.


Now I communicate to You my heart-felt wishes for them, that they will begin to see their own repressed hatred for men, for the world, and everything they resist is not outside themselves but inside themselves, and come to express HONESTLY this fact, and stop pretending they have something they do not.


Now my study continues with, “You are free, however, to decide when you want to learn it.”


So they cannot escape the need for self-examination, but are free to delay it. And I respectfully leave them in their delay, in their addictions, to continue to act out, thinking they have found their pleasure and release through oblivion.


So I thank You, Teacher, for Revealing this day You Choose the ones who will discover Your Curriculum of the undoing and unlearning of the ego-thought system.


I accept their criticisms.


And I observe their desire to ‘speak truth’ is only a defense to not speak or hear the truth. For speaking truth is not spreading lies and gossip and retaining the poisoned mind of discontent.


Speaking truth is revealing the truth of one’s own inner madness, and being willing to expose the insanity of a mind that thinks it can save itself from its own self-imposed madness.


I thank You for Guiding me into the dungeon of the insane, where one has been willing to take my hand and walk away. I will leave THIS lesson for the others to read.


It is my experiences with them that has made this lesson possible.


Thank you, Deborah and Jeanette, for stimulating in me the need to examine all that I have experienced in these exchanges. Your gift to me is freedom from your desire to make me a star, a hero, a leader, a teacher, and now a loser.


Your gift to me is your rejection of the process of looking within for the barriers to Love’s presence that is erected where your men-hating slogans are painted.


And so I experience my power in THIS demonstration where I come to discover the error within me – the idea I could ever be a star, a hero, a leader, a teacher, a loser.


I leave them to their decisions to not look upon their own minds where their own plans for release reside.


NOW THEY SEEK TO BE the star, the hero, the leader, the teacher, desperate for someone to agree with them, and ultimately the loser. For they too will be knocked off their self-erected pedestals that Humility will Arrange.


Be it so now I call forth and claim this day where You Extend to my mind the Light of Revelation in the right use of my power.


I claim my willingness to seek not for the approval of others, which pride and insecurity would demand. But I thank them, Deborah and Jeanette, for placing me on the pedestal of star, for knocking me off the pedestal of hero, leader, teacher and loser.


I leave them the pedestal upon which they can now placed themselves, in self-worship, where approval is demanded.


I leave them to find their own guru playmates.


And anticipate, soon, they will learn the blessing of an amend.


To follow no one is to expect nothing from anyone. In that one can love everyone.


“It is done. Bless you this day.”


Now I thank You for stimulating in Donna Jean the Eyes to See, the Ears to Hear that have now freed her from the toxic environment of self-fulfillment.


Be it so now.

“It is done.”